by Michael P. Premsrirat
this column was rejected by Channel A years ago, probably because it's a little mean-spirited. but it's all true, isn't it?
Being Asian American with e-mail means you get inundated with forwarded messages from so-called "friends" (forwarding robots more like) who send you lists that "you've just got to see." You know what I mean: "You Know You're Chinese If ... " lists that detail every cultural quirk on record. Generally, most of it applies to your parents and you laugh with recognition. Some of it, however, applies to you and you start to cry out of recognition. I've seen just about every list under the sun. One thing that's interesting is how many things these lists have in common. Whether that's the result of shared values as a race or because these lists are just copied off others, I don't know. For those of you who have not seen these lists, here's a quick summary.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE JAPANESE IF
1. You're obsessed with your hair, your car, your clothes.
2. You want to marry a Chinese American woman (males); or you want to marry a white guy (females).
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know that you are superior to all other Asians.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE KOREAN IF
1. You smoke and drink too much.
2. You're actually sorry that Margaret Cho's sitcom was canceled.
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know that you are superior to all other Asians.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE CHINESE IF
1. You think you're the smartest people in the entire world.
2. Today's steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice.
3. You're afraid of black people.
4. You know that you are superior to all other Asians.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FILIPINO IF
1. You want to be a dancer, a singer or an actor, even though you have a day job as a nurse, a security guard or an accountant.
2. A member of your family back home is a politician or a movie star.
3. You're not afraid of black people; in fact, you wish you were black.
4. You know in your heart that you never will be superior to all other Asians, but you've learned to live with it.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE THAI IF
1. People want to pay you for sex (trust me, it happens to me all the timer).
2. No matter what you eat, it's not greasy or spicy enough.
3. You're not afraid of black people, because in some cases you're just as dark as they are.
4. You don't care if you are superior to all other Asians or not, because being Thai is just cool in itself.